Researchers have reportedly identified the world’s first case of “Sexually Transmitted Diarrhea” after a series of mysterious bathroom emergencies swept through local hookup circles. The completely fictional study claims victims experience an uncontrollable urge to sprint to the nearest toilet within hours of “close contact,” with one participant admitting he thought it was true love until he spent their entire second date fighting for his life in a gas station restroom. Scientists insist the condition isn’t actually transmitted the way social media claims, but they are recommending everyone stop trusting people who say, “You’ll be fine, I ate there yesterday.” The report concludes the outbreak has already destroyed hundreds of relationships, thousands of pairs of underwear, and at least three apartment security deposits.